my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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