i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
