My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
