i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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