So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We're too hungover to prance.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
