I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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