mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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