Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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