someone threw a dead crab at me
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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