before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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