i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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