Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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