Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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