my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
