Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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