You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
