Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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