He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
