I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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