I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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