I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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