So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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