There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
