He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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