Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
