I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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