thus making me awesome and them whores
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
