Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
