I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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