so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We had sex on a dog bed..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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