my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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