I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
