saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
