we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
even my farts smell like vagina
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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