i think i have two assholes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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