he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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