It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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