i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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