my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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