if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
