god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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