i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
