I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
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He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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