My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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