bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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