My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
