I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
