My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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