just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm like, not good at living.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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