You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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