I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
